We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
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I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
ibopfufen
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
yes… yes…
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.