we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
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Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I hate everything
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem