We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
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Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
So, can we agree on 4 or
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.