We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
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Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.