We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
You Might Also Like
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon