{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
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Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
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…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
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When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.