When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
You Might Also Like
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy