Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
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How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.