We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
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Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Spring of Deception
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.