@AmishPornStar1
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
@Parkerlawyer
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
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@AmishPornStar1
@ABurgerADay
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
@RidiculousSheri
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
@GrantTanaka
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
@Underchilde
Just threw a donut inside Planet Fitness and started a riot.
@heatherlou_
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
@AnnietheNanny1
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
@iwearaonesie
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
@CornOnTheGoblin
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
@nihilist_arbys
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap