@Parkerlawyer We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
- @Parkerlawyer
funnytweeter.com
@lukeoneil47 When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
@wittwitbarista Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
@thedad Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
@MrRamBillings Never buy the first round cause that’s when people care what they’re drinking!
@JermHimselfish Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
@WilliamAder There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
@rickolantern My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
@PaulyPeligroso Wait, is Obama our second black President or our first black President again?
@jonnysun the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
@JB4Realz “Y’ever wonder why the TARDIS is square on the outside but round on the inside?”
*SuperCuts lady finishes my haircut without another word*