genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
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[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
if youre impressed by girls who have “legs for days” then id like to inform you that ive had legs litterally my whole life
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.