@Parkerlawyer

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

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@Shen_the_Bird

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

@chuuew

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

@Monicann86

My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.

@envydatropic

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

@gwatts77

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to

@SSwinal

if youre impressed by girls who have “legs for days” then id like to inform you that ive had legs litterally my whole life

@TheAndrewNadeau

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

@copymama

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

@KeetPotato

[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”

@serendipitydon1

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.