We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

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5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg


Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?


Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours


Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.


My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.


Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.


My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.


Lord, give me patience because if you give me strength then I’m gonna need some bail money on the side.


Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?