We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
You Might Also Like
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.