We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
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Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.