We were invited to a dry, vegan wedding. We declined. Then for $20, we sold the wedding invitation to a stand-up comedian who needed material.

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Whenever I see a flock of wild turkeys I engage them in conversation to learn of their history and oral tradition (they keep no recognizable written record). Unsurprisingly they have strong opinions about the pilgrims but reserve their greatest rancor for stuffing.


In an attempt to converse about the amount of stupid in the world I unironically used the phrase , “They’re not the brightest knifes in the box”

My husband is currently holding his head in his hands and rocking


ME (tousling his hair): You got a girlfriend?
8 YEAR-OLD: Yeah
ME (grabbing him by the collar): How. How did you do it


I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, read, my tweets, like William, Shatner.



So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?


Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.


My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!


To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms