The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
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Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
This is my bus stop.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”