We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
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Lol #dogsoftwitter
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
scrabbled eggs
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”