@anerdonfire2

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

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@TheSchnizzy

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

@pancakemixtape

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

@Girl_Censored

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

@SteveMartinToGo

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

@SondraDeeMe

My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.

@Freak0nIine

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”

@chuuew

DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium