Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
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It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
This is always good for a laugh.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium