@AndLive2Love

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

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@TheTweetOfGod

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

@DanAaronKing

Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.

@PleaseBeGneiss

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

@sheseemslegit

Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.

@Screwoff315

I’m tired of this long distance relationship! Time to move the liquor cabinet to the living room!

@RobDenBleyker

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

@matt___nelson

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

@IAmKatieOrr

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”