Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
TRUMP: To make America grate again
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
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Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
College parties are great: You’re taking shots with future doctors and the next Supreme Court judge is throwing up in the bathroom.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
My family has really been struggling financially lately.
Could someone please help us with our monthly budget?
Car Payment: $381
School Loans: $393
Swear Jar: $5,347
Attention Walmart Shoppers.
Worst case scenario on aisle 5.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.