We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

You Might Also Like


Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks


TRUMP: To make America grate again


Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL



hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both


College parties are great: You’re taking shots with future doctors and the next Supreme Court judge is throwing up in the bathroom.


My family has really been struggling financially lately.
Could someone please help us with our monthly budget?

Rent: $1,200
Car Payment: $381
School Loans: $393
Swear Jar: $5,347


[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.


Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.


Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.