@AndLive2Love

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

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@daemonic3

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again

@ThugRaccoons

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

@seancehat

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

@coIIegestudentz

College parties are great: You’re taking shots with future doctors and the next Supreme Court judge is throwing up in the bathroom.

@Mormonger

My family has really been struggling financially lately.
Could someone please help us with our monthly budget?

Rent: $1,200
Car Payment: $381
School Loans: $393
Swear Jar: $5,347

@trustedshoe

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

@justmiche74

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

@houffy

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.