[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
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What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Pot warmers of the day.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”