We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”

He was like “yeah, but never 3”

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idaho is my favorite state that sounds like a woman who’s comfortable with her own sexual indiscretions


Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?


me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough


What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.


You are like snow. White. Pretty to look at. I used to like to play with you but now I’ll pay someone to get rid of you.


Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat


In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says “what the hell is that” when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE.


*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*


Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.

Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.

Wife: Absolutely not like that.