@_elvishpresley_

We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”

He was like “yeah, but never 3”

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@Broo_Swain

idaho is my favorite state that sounds like a woman who’s comfortable with her own sexual indiscretions

@NewDadNotes

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

@FredTaming

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

@Desert_Musings

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

@trevso_electric

You are like snow. White. Pretty to look at. I used to like to play with you but now I’ll pay someone to get rid of you.

@chapel3929

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

@scharpling

In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says “what the hell is that” when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE.

@nice_mustard

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*

@TuSoonShakur

Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.

Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.

Wife: Absolutely not like that.