We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
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Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us