We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
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It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
FRED: right
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.