We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
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The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’