We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
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Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Social distancing in Australia:
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.