@Big_Cat74
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
@lahirip
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
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@Big_Cat74
@e_mcguire_
This is basically halfway to being a children’s book
@MooseAllain
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
@T_Bonezzz_
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
@GuyThe_Guy
It’s like my teeth got in trouble in school & aren’t allowed to sit together.
@xFREESKIMASK45x
Why do these baby crocodiles sound like a game of Galaga
@iamspacegirl
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is… Grease.
Me: Grease is the word?
Judge: Yes. Grease is the word that you heard.
@stonedcoldlazy
Today marks 5 yrs of being smoke free!! Now I spend my time finding new places to hide the bodies of those who’ve pissed me off!
@dumbbeezie
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
@theBlatherskite
I put my pants on just like everyone else: reluctantly.