“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
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This is basically halfway to being a children’s book
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
It’s like my teeth got in trouble in school & aren’t allowed to sit together.
Why do these baby crocodiles sound like a game of Galaga
Judge: Your word is… Grease.
Me: Grease is the word?
Judge: Yes. Grease is the word that you heard.
Today marks 5 yrs of being smoke free!! Now I spend my time finding new places to hide the bodies of those who’ve pissed me off!
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I put my pants on just like everyone else: reluctantly.