We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

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“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating


“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”


Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother


It’s like my teeth got in trouble in school & aren’t allowed to sit together.


[Spelling Bee]

Judge: Your word is… Grease.

Me: Grease is the word?

Judge: Yes. Grease is the word that you heard.


Today marks 5 yrs of being smoke free!! Now I spend my time finding new places to hide the bodies of those who’ve pissed me off!


Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks