we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
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If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
That’s enough internet for the day
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire