“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
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fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
me, too, girl. me, too.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude