We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
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using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Only Americans understand
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.