Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
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I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.