Weaknesses.
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I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
When your man makes a valid point
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick鈥檚 Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don鈥檛 hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I鈥檒l take you camping.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids鈥’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.