Wine – you’re gonna sleep good
Beer – you’re probably going to hit on your cousin.
Whiskey – everyone will see your genitals.
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
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Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
*Interrogation room w/ murderer*
I’d start talking, my partner isn’t so nice…
*From under the table I raise a puppet dressed as a cop*
[a blind date]
me: you look disappointed?
him: your text said you model…
me: autocorrect must’ve changed it; i don’t model, i yodel. hey where are you going, should i just order for you?
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*