@funflaps

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

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@Just_BCS

Wine – you’re gonna sleep good

Beer – you’re probably going to hit on your cousin.

Whiskey – everyone will see your genitals.

@junejuly12

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

@Thing_Finder

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

@themorris23

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.

@thenatewolf

*Interrogation room w/ murderer*

I’d start talking, my partner isn’t so nice…

*From under the table I raise a puppet dressed as a cop*

@DitzMcGeee

[a blind date]

me: you look disappointed?

him: your text said you model…

me: autocorrect must’ve changed it; i don’t model, i yodel. hey where are you going, should i just order for you?

@NoogsCorner

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

@sixfootcandy

Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.

@vonTraphaus

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

@Try2StopME

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*