[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
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In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
nature’s most graceful animal
socratic questions
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber