Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
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I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
The internet is full of many things
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days