Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
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A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
even bears disappoint their mothers
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual