@AndyAsAdjective

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

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@on_the_fritz_17

If you’re going to suffocate someone with a pillow, have the goddamn decency to use the cool side.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[speed dating]

Her: Nice to meet you

Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION

@TheTweetOfGod

“I want my country back” is a fair and accurate thing to say if at one point in your life you owned the country.

@_steamy_mac

Boss: You’ve been late for work every single day this year.
Me: *high five

@DanRegans

People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food

@KalvinMacleod

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

@Home_Halfway

DRINKING AT 25: Hell yeah let’s go out all night and go straight to work

DRINKING AT 35: Dear diary, I had a beer last month. I’ve had a hangover for two fortnight. I fear this is the end

@Mardigroan

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

@jonnysun

summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol

winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO