If you’re going to suffocate someone with a pillow, have the goddamn decency to use the cool side.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
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Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
“I want my country back” is a fair and accurate thing to say if at one point in your life you owned the country.
Boss: You’ve been late for work every single day this year.
Me: *high five
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
DRINKING AT 25: Hell yeah let’s go out all night and go straight to work
DRINKING AT 35: Dear diary, I had a beer last month. I’ve had a hangover for two fortnight. I fear this is the end
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO