@AndyAsAdjective

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

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@TheAndrewNadeau

INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?

@aparnapkin

I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”

@Spaziotwat

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

@KevinFarzad

If you like someone and don’t know if they like you, just sue them and then ask them under oath if they think you’re cute.

@Darlainky

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

@ImaFlyontheWall

If your nervous tick is pointing to the sky then might i suggest not going to auctions anymore.

@kevinseccia

Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?

@SamuelHLowe

She invited me over for a romantic dinner and told me I was the dessert.

I wanted ice cream.

@BoogTweets

Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again