Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
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“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
In case you needed to hear it:
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.