Ann: I wanna break up
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
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Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Why does Batman wear a mask?
Because the citizens of Gotham aren’t morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
If Obama wins I’m leaving the country. If Romney wins I’m leaving the country.
This is not a political Tweet I just want to travel.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
“feed the cat”
– oversimplifies the dynamic
– sounds like a chore
“fatten the beast”
– pleasing to the ear
– gives power where power is due
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground