@trumpetcake

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

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@living_marble

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

@ItsAndyRyan

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

@ElleOhHell

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

@iamburtjarvis

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

@causticbob

Why does Batman wear a mask?

Because the citizens of Gotham aren’t morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis.

@Rollmaninoz

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go

@itweetmaya

If Obama wins I’m leaving the country. If Romney wins I’m leaving the country.

This is not a political Tweet I just want to travel.

@GrumpyComments

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

@no_el_la

“feed the cat”

– boring
– oversimplifies the dynamic
– sounds like a chore

“fatten the beast”

– interesting
– pleasing to the ear
– gives power where power is due

@causticbob

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground