Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
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I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
i wish i could marry a nap