@mobydong

Wearing a wig is probably worth the hassle for those moments when you get to dramatically pull it off your weary, tearful head.

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@broken_rhi

If you have to sneeze in a crowded grocery store, you might as well go full somnambulant and pretend like you’re turning into a zombie.

@DaveTheAlbino

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

@LostFelicia

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

@12spoopy11u

Sally sells seashells by the seashore. Her monopoly has left the seashore economy in shambles. 86% of hermit crabs are now homeless.

@Scorpio1080

In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

@TuffyNyC

Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”

@mela_shea

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

@WittySassBasket

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

@ThisOneSayz

*fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*

@FunnyBison

“Did you want real butter for an extra $5?”
ME: uh, sure

*massage therapist applies melted butter*