I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
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[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.