Research shows that in 100% of cases, when someone says “Oh no she didn’t!”, she in fact, did.
Wearing a wig is probably worth the hassle for those moments when you get to dramatically pull it off your weary, tearful head.
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The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
If a restaurant can afford to advertise on national television, you should never eat there
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
I am in:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
You’re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.