Wearing a wig is probably worth the hassle for those moments when you get to dramatically pull it off your weary, tearful head.

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If you have to sneeze in a crowded grocery store, you might as well go full somnambulant and pretend like you’re turning into a zombie.


I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.


I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.


Sally sells seashells by the seashore. Her monopoly has left the seashore economy in shambles. 86% of hermit crabs are now homeless.


In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.


Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”


Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!


Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.


*fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*


“Did you want real butter for an extra $5?”
ME: uh, sure

*massage therapist applies melted butter*