@mobydong

Wearing a wig is probably worth the hassle for those moments when you get to dramatically pull it off your weary, tearful head.

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@iQuoteComedy

Research shows that in 100% of cases, when someone says “Oh no she didn’t!”, she in fact, did.

@Underchilde

The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.

@JeffSarcastic

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

@KielyHealey

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

@briangaar

If a restaurant can afford to advertise on national television, you should never eat there

@stevevsninjas

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

@ronnui_

Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.