Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
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Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?