Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
You Might Also Like
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
My wife has the worst taste in men.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs