@QwertyJones3

“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.

You Might Also Like

@RackOfSteel

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

@AdriannaLaCervx

This whole “parenting a teenager” thing isn’t really working out. I’m going to tell him I just want to be friends.

@G_Faylor

[trying to check out girl at grocery store]
cashier: please take her off the conveyor belt

@jake_lach

*Dive rolls across the room naked

Her- Why don’t you just buy curtains?

@CindyBegel

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

@drayzze

I wish I had a bear so I could take him hiking and camping

So if we ran into other bears, he’d be like “It’s cool, man, he’s with me.”

@mewritesgood

Hey Google, if I’m searching for “herpes symptoms” then no, no I’m not “feeling lucky.”

@badbanana

“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.