“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.

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I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.


This whole “parenting a teenager” thing isn’t really working out. I’m going to tell him I just want to be friends.


[trying to check out girl at grocery store]
cashier: please take her off the conveyor belt


*Dive rolls across the room naked

Her- Why don’t you just buy curtains?


In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.


I wish I had a bear so I could take him hiking and camping

So if we ran into other bears, he’d be like “It’s cool, man, he’s with me.”


Hey Google, if I’m searching for “herpes symptoms” then no, no I’m not “feeling lucky.”


“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.