Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
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Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I was braised by wild cannibals.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
you really had to be dumb to get convicted of a crime before like..1950. Like you could shoot someone while screaming your socoial security number and the cops still had like a 3% chance of finding you
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily