Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
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Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I feel it
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh