Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*