@Izianikapani

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

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@ThugRaccoons

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

@JBelk78

You think I’m over dramatic? When an octopus gets upset, it eats itself. THAT’S over dramatic.

@cosmicbibi

Research shows your medication is 879% more effective if you drink a 6 pack and a bottle of wine first. Also, I changed my name to Research.

@redheadsunite05

Lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud, I almost put my shit back.

@sarcasticmommy4

My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.

You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.

@fro_vo

“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

@craydrienne

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

@kwirkyKerri

This kid with a whistle is about to become my first robbery victim.

@junejuly12

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]