Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

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Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?


You think I’m over dramatic? When an octopus gets upset, it eats itself. THAT’S over dramatic.


Research shows your medication is 879% more effective if you drink a 6 pack and a bottle of wine first. Also, I changed my name to Research.


Lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud, I almost put my shit back.


My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.

You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.


“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”


I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.


1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie


This kid with a whistle is about to become my first robbery victim.


Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]