Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
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ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
do what now??
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.