@_davidlucas_

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

@steeve_again

[planning a heist]

Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job

Me, hates going outside: nice

@IAmKashWah

Interviewer: How do you hit those high notes?
Adam Levine: I sold my soul to the devil.
Interviewer: Excuse me?
Adam Levine: Practice.

@cupcakelynda

A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.

@SirEviscerate

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

@omerwahaj

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

@Rollinintheseat

I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.

@50ShadesGran

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

@RobinMcCauley

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

@spacej_me

Some people have sex to make a baby but I prefer the old fashioned way of capturing a wild baby, and that’s how I ended up in jail