Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
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a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
The Backseat Boys
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
The glockness monster