@david8hughes

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

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@wilw

“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.

@Hobo_Splendido

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

@Jake_Vig

Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”

@AimeeHelene1

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

@KandyKoehn

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

@TheresNoGodzila

When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.

@WilliamAder

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.

@WheelTod

I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.

@InternetHippo

ME: Billions of bacteria live on and inside my body
INTERVIEWER: I meant tell me about yourself job-wise