*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
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I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
we’re dead?
I’ve had relationships like this
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?