*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
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5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
#Thanos #MondayMood
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?