If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
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Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.