[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
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Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.