Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
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MIL: You’re going to give me a heart attack someday!
M: Last time I checked you didn’t even have a heart.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
When your date asks about your hobbies, DON’T grab her table knife in a napkin and say, “Collecting knives with strangers’ prints on them.”
Priest: ‘Really? For a Klondike Bar??’
Me: ‘I know…it’s pretty sick.’
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!