@imdaintyaf

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god

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@SCbchbum

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

@JustDontBugMe

MIL: You’re going to give me a heart attack someday!

M: Last time I checked you didn’t even have a heart.

@maxpalumbo5

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

@graceful_asfuck

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

@randomlawless

Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”

@rolldiggity

When your date asks about your hobbies, DON’T grab her table knife in a napkin and say, “Collecting knives with strangers’ prints on them.”

@better_off_dad2

*at confessional*

Priest: ‘Really? For a Klondike Bar??’

Me: ‘I know…it’s pretty sick.’

@frenziedandfine

The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.

@AmishPornStar1

I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!

Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.

@karanbirtinna

Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!

*falls down and covers himself with leaves*

Her: We’re in a zoo!!