*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
You Might Also Like
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁