*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

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MOM: dont lie. The man upstairs is always watching
ME: ok mom
FRANK FROM 4B (watching on his hidden camera): how the hell did she know that


Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’


Nice try, coworker who offered me coffee.

The last thing I want to do at work is be awake.


Those who say there is no such thing as a stupid question have obviously never worked in tech support..;)


Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?


Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.


did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past


It was the Middle Ages. There’s no way Rapunzel didn’t have lice.