@MaraWritesStuff

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

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@Brampersandon_

MOM: dont lie. The man upstairs is always watching
ME: ok mom
FRANK FROM 4B (watching on his hidden camera): how the hell did she know that

@MamaNeedsACoke

Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’

@XplodingUnicorn

Nice try, coworker who offered me coffee.

The last thing I want to do at work is be awake.

@evanR39

Those who say there is no such thing as a stupid question have obviously never worked in tech support..;)

@jctwritesstuff

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

@kelkulus

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

@pancake_puns

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past

@juliussharpe

It was the Middle Ages. There’s no way Rapunzel didn’t have lice.