“Was he better than me?”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
“Mary, what the hell?”
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
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Interviewer: What is your biggest weakness
Me: Well, I don’t really want to do anything
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
My Mother asked me to suggest names for my brother’s prospective children. I said I’ll name the girl ‘Denise’ and the boy ‘Denephew’.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
If you say I’m getting fat again Aunt Betty, I’ll make a “anything for 5 dollars” ad on Craigslist with your name and number.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!