[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.

You Might Also Like


“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”


[job interview]
Interviewer: What is your biggest weakness
Me: Well, I don’t really want to do anything


Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.


8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles


Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.


My Mother asked me to suggest names for my brother’s prospective children. I said I’ll name the girl ‘Denise’ and the boy ‘Denephew’.


Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that


If you say I’m getting fat again Aunt Betty, I’ll make a “anything for 5 dollars” ad on Craigslist with your name and number.


Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.

My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!