@GrabTheWEness

[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.

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@david8hughes

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

@ReticentTurnip

[job interview]
Interviewer: What is your biggest weakness
Me: Well, I don’t really want to do anything

@semple42

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

@bartandsoul

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

@leechee420

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

@RamblingMachine

My Mother asked me to suggest names for my brother’s prospective children. I said I’ll name the girl ‘Denise’ and the boy ‘Denephew’.

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

@ericacanrant

If you say I’m getting fat again Aunt Betty, I’ll make a “anything for 5 dollars” ad on Craigslist with your name and number.

@coketruck76

Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.

My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!