Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
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Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
twitter users today:
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason