Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
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I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Lmao
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.