Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
You Might Also Like
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
My dog ate my work from home.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me