Web MD is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book where the ending is always cancer.

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little girl: what’s behind the wardrobe?

old man: narnia

girl: what’s narn-

man: narnia business


Him: I thought you were spring cleaning today

Me: *stumbling* Did you even SEE the wine cabinet?


Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.


flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me


why don’t grocery stores participate in black friday?? i don’t need 20% off a flatscreen – give me half price tide pods and $1 coffee creamers and then you better believe i’ll be at the doors at 3am


If the Discovery Channel’s new show ‘Naked And Afraid’ isn’t about Mormon honeymoons, I’m not interested.


If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”


absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit