@kellyoxford

Web MD is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book where the ending is always cancer.

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@desukidesu

little girl: what’s behind the wardrobe?

old man: narnia

girl: what’s narn-

man: narnia business

@sweetmomissa

Him: I thought you were spring cleaning today

Me: *stumbling* Did you even SEE the wine cabinet?

@QwertyJones3

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

@dlicj

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

@sarahgkirby

why don’t grocery stores participate in black friday?? i don’t need 20% off a flatscreen – give me half price tide pods and $1 coffee creamers and then you better believe i’ll be at the doors at 3am

@JennyJohnsonHi5

If the Discovery Channel’s new show ‘Naked And Afraid’ isn’t about Mormon honeymoons, I’m not interested.

@FunnyBison

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”

@urmumsausername

absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit