got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
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Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money